I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
