How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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