Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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