He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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