Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Randomize
