Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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