I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i need some magic done to my vagina
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize