Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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