Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
