How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
