apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
