billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
