I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
