Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
