I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
is that a dick in a sweater?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
