I looked at my own cervix.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You ruined the universe
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize