i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
