There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
