I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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