just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
