lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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