I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
