The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize