I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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