You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
