I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
