listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
