Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
