Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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