Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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