well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
