i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
