She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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