dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
