If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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