when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
