ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love you. Go after that dick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
