Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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