I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
