Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
