So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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