i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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