I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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