As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
