I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize