And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
