how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
