The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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