I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
