I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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