Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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