Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
