True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
