Swine flu. Run for my life!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
