Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
