You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Holy sore nipples Batman
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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