even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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