My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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