She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
