girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
