see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
where am i from again
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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