Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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