Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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