I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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