My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
