he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
